Nicola and Kevin’s Fostering Story
“A child’s behaviour is a symptom, not a cause. You just need to provide that safe environment”
Ex-prison admin officer, Nicola, and her husband Kevin, have been fostering for more than 16 years and don’t see themselves stopping any time soon. They’re currently fostering two children, siblings who are 11 and 13. They also have an 18-year-old former foster child who continues to live with them.
What does fostering mean to Nicola?
To Nicola, fostering is just parenting,
“That’s why I call myself a foster parent. I’m just like anyone else who’s got children. I’m a parent, not a carer. That feels a bit clinical to me.
“The only differences are that I didn’t give birth to them and I’ve got some training to help them become more well-rounded people who aren’t defined by either being in care or what they’ve been through.”
Despite facing some challenges in fostering, Nicola said that it is the most rewarding thing she’s ever done and that often the small or unusual gestures from her foster children mean the most to her. She recently received a birthday card from the foster children that thanked her for letting them into her home and making them feel like family.
Unexpected wins
Sometimes there are challenges in fostering but this can mean the start of something brilliant. For Nicola, this happened when one of her foster children swore at her.
“Sadly he had completely shut down, no emotions at all. We could’ve sat him on the naughty step for hours and hours and he wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. One day he told us to “f-off.” It was progress, he felt safe enough to show us emotion.”
“Progress isn’t always linear in fostering, but If you can get them to share how they’re feeling then you’re on your way to success.”
Blending foster families
Nicola and Kevin often foster multiple children at a time. Nicola has found this to be a huge success, even when having to manage children of different ages from different backgrounds. She said the young people often end up learning from each other.
At the moment, Nicola’s eldest foster child is modelling for the younger ones: “One thing she’s really good at is giving the younger ones advice,” Nicola explained, “she was in care for a long time before us, and now she’s been with us for a long time, too. I think it gives the other two a lot of confidence and a reason to believe that they won’t keep getting moved on. That’s helped massively.”
What makes a great foster parent?
Nicola feels incredibly lucky to have support from her husband and her eldest foster child but said that foster parents need to have a set of key skills to be successful.
“You have to be a good listener, that’s for sure. You don’t have to know how to help, but you need to be able to listen. Then you can work out what support they need.”
She urges foster parents to take the time to quickly find out whether a behaviour is age-related, trauma-related or another underlying issue, saying that this can help foster parents quickly work out the best way to support a child in their care.
Therapeutic fostering has helped Nicola to realise that a child’s behaviour ‘is a symptom, not a cause’.’ Looked-after children might not have had a chance to be themselves, so a safe environment can really help them flourish.
Nicola said: “They might’ve been a parent or carer for someone else, they might have witnessed the unimaginable.”
Working with Flourish Fostering
Nicola described the support from Flourish as fantastic with brilliant training and a ‘family feel’ that she hasn’t experienced from other fostering agencies. She described everyone at Flourish as experts, and as a lot of them have been foster parents too they can relate in a way that many can’t.
She also had a message for anyone thinking of becoming a foster parent:
“Do it. It’s challenging but incredibly rewarding. If you get one child to come out the other side as a decent person, living a life not ruled by what’s happened to them, then it’s worth it.”
If you’re eager to learn and want to make a difference in the lives of children and are thinking about becoming a foster parent, please contact us
