Self-harm is distressing for a parent to encounter, especially if you’ve had no experience with it before. For children who have experienced early trauma, it can be used as a way of coping with their overwhelming emotions.

Even though it is increasingly common in society today, self-harm is still very misunderstood. When adults don’t understand the reasons behind it, it’s easy to respond in ways that unintentionally increase shame, fear, or secrecy.

By looking beneath the surface, using trauma-informed knowledge, we can begin to understand what young people are really trying to communicate.

 

Self-harm is a coping strategy, not “attention seeking”

For some young people, it offers relief from emotions that feel impossible to manage. For others, it can be used to cope with emotional numbness and create a momentary sense of control.

Self-harm is very much connected to earlier experiences of trauma for many fostered children. When a young person hasn’t learned safe, reliable ways to regulate their emotions, self-harm can feel like the only tool they have.

It is a way of communicating inner pain, often caused by trauma.

Children who have experienced trauma or disrupted attachment might not have developed safe emotional regulation. Self-harm can therefore become a coping strategy when other strategies are not available.

 

Why young people may self-harm

Everyone’s story is different, but there are some common themes:

  • Overwhelming emotions

Self-harm can release emotional pressure when feelings feel too big or too intense.

  • Emotional numbness

Some young people don’t feel too much; they feel nothing. Self-harm is used to feel real or connected.

  • Communication

Self-harm can express levels of distress that feel difficult or even impossible to put into words.

  • Control

For children who’ve lived through chaos or trauma, self-harm may be comforting, as it is something they are completely in control of.

  • Self-punishment

Feelings of shame, guilt, or self-hatred can drive a young person to hurt themselves as a form of punishment.

  • Managing trauma

Flashbacks, intrusive memories, or dissociation can push a young person to self-harm to feel present and grounded again.

Understanding the reasons behind self-harm doesn’t make it ‘ok’, but it does help us as adults to respond in ways that reduce harm instead of creating fear and shame.

 

The emotional impact on carers

Caring for a young person who self-harms can feel frightening and isolating. Many foster parents describe:

  • they’re scared of doing or saying the wrong thing
  • feeling that they “should have noticed earlier”
  • they’re unsure about boundaries, supervision, or safety
  • worrying that they’re not equipped to handle it

It’s normal to feel any of those feelings. Supporting a young person through self-harm is emotionally difficult, so we believe foster parents deserve just as much understanding and support as the children they look after.

In therapeutic fostering, we recognise that foster parents need support, too. Taking care of children who have experienced trauma requires you to be emotionally resilient and you will need ongoing guidance and support. When parents feel supported, they can then offer useful and consistent care for young people.

 

The importance of connection and safety

A trauma-informed response focuses on creating emotional safety for young people. Those who self-harm will benefit from calm, consistent adults who try to understand what they’re going through and respond with compassion, not judgment.

Over time, safe relationships help children develop healthier ways to manage difficult emotions in a safe, regulated way.

 

Raising awareness and supporting healing

Self-Injury Awareness Day reminds us that self-harm is not a behaviour you need to be frightened of, but a sign of deeper, trauma-related struggles.

By approaching self-harm with curiosity, compassion, and trauma-informed care, you can help young people feel supported and create the conditions so healing can begin.

 

If you are interested in therapeutic fostering, get in touch with Flourish today.

If you need further support with a child who self-harms, please visit this NSPCC article.